Broken is just the beginning

If you’ve ever had a panic attack, then you must know that it literally feels like your skin is too small and you would give anything to crawl right out of it. Or peel it off.

Last year, a series of unfortunate circumstances tested my will to wake up each day. I’m not saying I was a little depressed or anything. I’m saying I was a LOT depressed and had a hard time leaving the house.

I let school projects just pass me by. It was all I could do to get my son to school and fed in the mornings. Every day, I just wanted to curl up into a ball and wait until I could hold my him again.

This was every single day for six months last year.

Then, I started feeling better. I started meditating and focusing on school. I really thought I would be okay. I was still getting a break every now and then when T’s dad would take him and that was enough. Or so I thought.

Then, T's dad moved to Colorado and things got dark again and I found myself not being able to focus anymore. School is taking a back seat to my son because he is all I have energy for. This is where I’m at. Overworked and running on empty.

The screaming in my head is getting louder. I feel so broken. I can’t understand why my son gets so upset over something as small as parking the car in a different spot outside the school. Kids with any form of autism are said to flounder in situations like this. Sometimes I forget he as it. Sometimes I want to forget.

I want to wake up and not worry about what hellstorm will come when I tell him we have to leave even though the episode of Spongebob he is watching isn’t over yet. I want to wake up and not be afraid of the pile of work ahead of me that I have to finish or I can’t graduate. I want to go to sleep at a normal time again. I want to feel less broken.

I want to have a career that makes me feel alive and worthy. Like I am doing something to make the world a better place than it was when I got here.

I want to pay attention in school. I want to pay attention at work. But I can’t. Something is holding me back and forcing me to just be still. What si one supposed to do when you feel so less than human? 

Wake up and start another day? Try to fit more into a day that doesn’t have enough hours to begin with? I’m really trying to figure it all out as best I can.

For now, I will meditate and take hot baths until the knowledge washes over me and I can see clearly again. Until then, I will be still and try my very best not to make everything come crashing down. Btu even if it does, then I have nowhere to go but up.